


Guilt Is a Terrible Thing

by Heckyheck_Icravedeath



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: :(((, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Crying, Depression, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sad, Self-Blame, Self-Hatred, Steve Rogers Angst, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, The Author Regrets Everything, aha im proud of the fic itself too, i hope you guys like ittt, i wrote this in like three hours, im proud, pls someone give steve a hug, this never happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-27 09:11:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20043520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heckyheck_Icravedeath/pseuds/Heckyheck_Icravedeath
Summary: Guilt.Everyone knows guilt.It's the thing that eats away at you for days, weeks, years. It makes you feel worthless because you didn't do enough or because you messed up and didn't fix things. It makes youhateyourself for not doing enough or not fixing things. It makes you feel like you're drowning and there is no escape.





	Guilt Is a Terrible Thing

Guilt. 

Everyone knows guilt. 

It's the thing that eats away at you for days, weeks, years. It makes you feel worthless because you didn't do enough or because you messed up and didn't fix things. It makes you _hate_ yourself for not doing enough or not fixing things. It makes you feel like you're drowning and there is no escape. 

Plain and simple: it makes you suffer. It holds you in its clutches and there is rarely a way to get out. 

No matter how much you talk to someone about it. No matter how much you try and lie to yourself and say that you're over what happened and that you accept it. It won't be true, and it will never go away. It will always be there to haunt you day and night. To make you feel like an awful person. To drag you deeper into the dark hole of depression. 

Guilt always wins. And that won't change. 

But there are two different types of guilt. One is minor guilt and the other is major guilt. 

Minor guilt hurts. It hurts a lot. It makes you wish you could go back and change things. It makes you hate yourself to an extent because you didn't do the right thing and it cost you. 

Take Peter Parker as an example for minor guilt. He didn't stop the robber, and it cost him Ben's life. He lives with that guilt. He wishes he could change what happened. But he can't and he knows that. All he can do is sit and feel guilty for the rest of his life. He does just that, but it's only minor. He feels the real guilt on Ben's death date and when he's having a bad day, but for the most part he's gotten used to it. It doesn't drown him as much. He's doing okay with it. 

Then there is major guilt. 

Major guilt hurts. It hurts so much. Way more than minor guilt. It's the kind that feels like a constant weight in your chest. It's the constant having a hard time breathing. It makes you hate yourself to the _extreme_. It makes you wish that you could go back and fix it all. In a similar manner to minor guilt, but the feeling is more extreme. It's more drowning and drowning and drowning. It's more unbearable. It's the kind that you can never get used to. 

Take Steve Rogers as an example for major guilt. You mention Tony Stark's name, and he shuts down. The guilt consumes him. Granted it's always there, but if you _acknowledge_ it, it always gets worse. 

There's a longer story behind Steve's guilt than there is behind Peter's. Steve's guilt is rooted from many different things that went on between Tony and him. Not just one. There are _so_ many things that went wrong with them. And most of those things are his fault. At least that's what he believes. You can try to tell him otherwise. That it wasn't all on _him_. That it was both sides. But he won't believe you. He's being held too tight by the guilt to believe you. 

The guilt starts at the point of Steve keeping his feelings hidden from the world. He knows he should've said something, should've acted on his feelings. He knows, he knows, he knows. He knows because Natasha had told him plenty of times that Tony felt the same. He knows because there were signs that Tony gave that said he felt the same. Steve had just been too stupid. Too _stupid_ to see the signs and too _stupid_ to not listen to Natasha. 

The guilt continues to the point of finding Bucky and finding out that Bucky killed Howard and Maria Stark. Steve knew it wasn't Bucky's fault. He was brainwashed and used by Hydra. But that didn't exactly matter. It still happened. And Tony didn't know. And Steve didn't tell him. A stupid decision. He knows that. He knows the way Tony found out was possibly the worst way to and he regrets it. He feels guilty for keeping that from Tony for so long. 

He also feels guilty for what happened after Tony found out. The choosing Bucky over Tony. The fighting. The almost killing. The leaving Tony behind. The not speaking to Tony for two years. 

Then sprinkle the guilt of the Accords on there. He should've just signed the papers. He really should've. It would've saved them a lot of pain and fighting. It would've saved the Avengers as a team. But he was stubborn. He was dumb. He thought that he was _doing the right thing_. Funny because that's what he said about lying to Tony about his parents for so long. Clearly he didn't know right from wrong anymore. 

He lost the Avengers, his family, and Tony, the love of his life, in one day. And it's all his fault. _All_ of it. 

Then we enter the two years of not speaking to Tony. So much guilt is there because of it. Steve knows he should've been there for Tony. Tony lost the Avengers too. Tony had no one. At least Steve had Natasha and Bucky. 

Steve knows Tony drank himself to the point of passing out every night. He wishes he had called and prevented that. He wishes he had apologized. He wishes he hadn't fucked up so bad. 

_Wishes. Wishes. Wishes_. He can wish all he wants, and nothing will change. He can't change the past. Sadly, he knows that. All he can do is thank the gods for Peter Parker. That kid is the reason Tony stopped drinking. He's the reason that Tony was happy and actually enjoyed life most of the time. And Steve loves the kid for that. He really does. 

But the guilt continues on. Yes, Peter was there and that's great, but Steve still wasn't and that's why they lost against Thanos. The Avengers weren't together. Steve and Tony weren't together. They only win together, and that's a known fact. Loki was defeated because they were together. Ultron was defeated because they were together. Thanos wasn't defeated because they weren't together. 

And it cost them. Half the universe to be exact. With a simple snap of a finger. 

And Tony was gone. Or at least he was until Carol Danvers appeared and found him. 

He had looked terrible stepping out of the spaceship. He hadn't eaten or drank in forever. He was almost oxygen depleted. It all showed. 

Steve had wasted no time rushing to him and hugging him. He remembers feeling terrible when Tony said ‘_I lost the kid_.’ He remembers saying ‘_Tony, we lost_.’ It was true. They all lost. But they lost together. And that was at least something. 

Yet it hadn't been. They brought Tony inside and he snapped. Mostly at Steve. Saying that he hated Steve. Steve left him all alone. Tony had needed Steve, and Steve hadn't been there. 

Tony ended up slamming his arc reactor into Steve's hand while hissing ‘_why don't you break that one too_.’ 

Steve knows he deserved it. He didn't disagree with anything said. He was a terrible person. He left Tony alone for so long when he had promised he wouldn't. He didn't deserve Tony's forgiveness. 

They went back to not speaking. This time for five years. The guilt ate and ate at him for the five years. Because of Tony and then a small part about Thanos. 

Then came along Scott Lang with the so-called _time heist_. A way to get people back, undo the Snap. Steve jumped on the opportunity. He rushed to Tony. 

That conversation didn't go well.

Tony had essentially told him to fuck off. He had a family. He didn't want to get involved with the superhero gig again. He was done. 

But Tony was Tony. And he cared about Peter Parker too much to not take part in the _time heist_. So he called Steve and agreed to do it. 

The worst part of his guilt is the time heist. Yes, the other things were a big and bad part, but the time heist was the largest and worst. Easily. Everyday Steve lives with the fact that he asked Tony to help them. He brought Tony into this. It's his fault. He knows it. 

If he had known how it would end, he would've never told Tony. He would've let him live his life with his _wife_ and _daughter_. Steve would've figured it out with Bruce. But he didn't know and he brought Tony into it. And Tony helped them. And Tony fought with them. And Tony sacrificed himself for them. 

‘_And I...am...IronMan_.’

He wakes up from nightmares screaming and crying because of those words. He also wakes up in disarray because of the look on Tony's face as the life drained out of him. Because of the way the arc reactor that Steve had smashed all those years ago finally flickered off. Because of the way everyone was crying and kneeling in front of him as it happened. Because of how much Steve needs him and how much it hurts knowing he'll never have him again.

No one would. 

He has so much to say, but he'll never get the chance to say it. He'll never get to _properly_ apologize for everything. He'll never get to say how he felt. He'll never get to make things better between them. 

_Ever._

And all of that is major guilt. 

The kind of guilt that feels like a constant weight in your chest. It's the constant having a hard time breathing. It makes you hate yourself to the _extreme_. It makes you wish that you could go back and fix it all. In a similar manner to minor guilt, but the feeling is more extreme. It's more drowning and drowning and drowning. It's more unbearable. 

It's the kind that you can never get used to.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow I abused Steve and not Peter???? W h a t ? Lmao don't worry. Peter abuse is coming along soon>:) btw soon is probably like 4 million years because that fic is really making me die and I dunno why. So I shall figure it out and try to not disappoint y'all. 
> 
> I'm actually proud of this. Like real proud. And that makes me happy af. This actually never happens. Shook. Lmao seriously though I hope you enjoyed. 
> 
> Leave a like or comment!! <333


End file.
